Wellsy's World

Archive for September, 2004

Old School Photo?

Tinky Dick wanted to put his piccy on Hot or Not like on Eds site but they have rules about the pictures you can use (pic is below).

They won’t let you use offensive material, advertising or pictures of celebrities. I reckon it didn’t get on cos Tinky Dick looks like Ross off Friends.

Anyway, vote away people before they find out what i’ve done and make me take it off. Also, leave a comment if you are offended cos i need a laugh

Now, i never did really like biology.
There´s not much thats interesting about finding out how flowers mate.
But i´m sure i would have remembered if they´d taught us that drinking 10 pints of lager and a bottle of red wine gives you a really fucking bad hangover!
Wank.
Well, i´m going out side for a cig. See if that makes me sick…

Having spent three years with these guys getting my bachelors in social interactions and consumption techniques I feel the need to pass on a warning. If you go out with these guys you?ll need a couple of things. The first is a pair of leashes.

I had great times going out with these guys, watching Andy?s grin get larger as he tries to cure his alcohol problem (not enough) and seeing Tony get so drunk he actually has to refer to his list of all his jokes (5) to remember them. However during the night you?ll notice two things first Tony drops further and further behind you as you walk from bar to bar, and occasionally starts walking in the wrong direction. Second Andy starts to grin manically and occasionally disappears and reappears with a drink in each hand.

The problem is they both have a homing instinct when drunk. Tony after a certain amount of alcohol will start to walk to Ashbourne not caring of distance, or what is in between. I think that if drunk and blindfolded in the Himalayas Tony would spin like a compass and start to walk straight home, jumping from mountain to mountain like a horny goat. Andy just has the uncanny ability to be drawn alcohol. In an Omish funeral?s minute of silence on Mars he would open a beer. When drunk he will suddenly remember a bottle of vodka somewhere (usually already empty) and start running.

So tie a leash to both (preferably a choke chain) or you will end up going home with a guy you meet in a bar to meet his parents and take a tour of a ghost house (thanks Lee it was a great, great night; Steph I can?t believe you shot me down.)

The second is a pair of swimming trunks??

In my second year at university we went to a hall party. By this time i was living off-campus a couple of miles away. About half way through the night after spending most of my cast on Snakbite n Black they started giving out the free coctail. Only problem was people were queuing, getting a drink and then walking off. This seemed like a very slow way to get wankered (first years have no idea… tsk).
 
Instead, i decided to queue up, got a drink and then leaned against the wall next to the table to drink it. When i had pollished off that one, i grabbed another, and another, and another….
 

After about 20, the bloke running the show noticed what i was doing and told me to piss off. Back to the bar for more snakebite i thought. Only problem was i had just downed 20 coctails and as i was passing the door i suddenly veered off out the door and fell over a bollard. I asked the bouncers if they´d let me back in but they had somehhow found out i was pissed….
 
Oh well, time to go home i thought and starting the walk back. About half way home there´s a dual carriageway (not if you go the right way home, but i was drunk). After spending ten minutes looking at my shoes, a parked car and finally down the road, i legged it accross. I would have made it all teh way as well if i hadn´t fallen over the central reservation… Luckily the central reservation was all long grass and i ended up looking up at the stars, and so fell asleep.
 
About an hour later i was woken up by a lorry going past and nearly shit myself. I came to the conclusion it was a stupid place to sleep, got up and ran the rest of the way across the road… back to where i had started. Bollocks. Not wanting to try that again, i decided to go invade a mate´s hall of residence and stay there.
 
I got up to his hall and while i stood there trying to figure out where his room was, remembered he´d moved a year ago. Arse. Then i remembered they had communial bathrooms and so wandered to the first one and fell asleep in the bath.
 

I got woken up again about an hour later, but this time by a cranky student wanting a piss and wondering why i was in his bath. Home time i thought. I wandered out of the hall and promtly fell down a bank through some bushes. Luckily i fell into the path of a taxi. Even luckier, i was stopped. I jumped in and found out the bloke spoke "drunk" and so managed to get a lift home.
 
The moral of the story would appear to be "Don´t eat the yellow snow"

And now from the list of stupid things Tony has done…
 
We went out in Derby last year for someone’s birthday (it was around April so it would have been Clint’s / Sara’s / Holly’s / Steph’s) and frequented the usual drinking haunts: Revolution, Hobgoblins, then onto Desperate & Easy (Destiny & Elite really…)
 

By this point Tony was a bit worse for wear (wankered) and so decided to get a taxi back to Ashbourne (13 miles the other side of derby if you didn’t know) and so disappeared.
 
We found him the next day and he said that after wandering around looking for a taxi for a while, not being able to find one, he decided to start walking home and pick one up on the way.
 
Now, it may be that i’m not very observant, but i haven’t seen any taxi ranks on the 13 miles of country road running through Derbyshire, or it may be because there aren’t any…. so he ended up walking all the way home!
 
It was OK though – we managed to get a taxi after coming out of the club and got home a good couple of hours before Tony…
Dumbass (no offence mate)

Right, i think it’s about time that we shed some light on the above Mancland misadventure…
…As i am feeling artistic this evening i will communicate through the universal language of rhyme:
Mancland Misadventure (vol.2 part 5.)

we went to mancland to see a gig
not cos we’re clever and not cos we’re big
this is the story of what we did
plenty of alcohol, plenty of cigs
one or two sachets of mayonnaise
we only went for a couple of days
the place where pine needles cost 20 quid
now here is the story of what we did
i got drunk and i burnt off my pubes

ps controller without any lube
whats that Lee? – my feet is rotten
thats something we’ve not forgotten
hey there vanessa, where’ve you been
look at these coins inside my foreskin
i think there’s about ?1 and 60p
i can tell by your face that you can’t resist me
i shouted her name in the middle of the night
then me and alan had a fight

-not for real though we were just messing
shortly before lee’s other confession
where’s the landlord, the toilet’s busted
one or two sachets of english mustard
honestly guys, Danikka just leant on to it
more like she was getting screwed with her arse bent on to it
ever get the feeeling your mates don’t care?
like when you wake up in the morning with ketchup in your hair

oops yes sorry i forgot i did it
while i was asleep i put my hand in it
go and get the cling film and wrap it round my face
quick take a photo cos it looks pretty ace
playstation controllers move in funny ways
especially if screech is tying his shoelace
i can’t really talk though cos what did i do
i stuck an empty bottle up with my poo poo

i’m secure, i’m not gay of course
one or two sachets of  tartar sauce
we had a great time though, a really good craic
so i stayed an extra day and almost got the sack
it was alright though cos my boss then was jim
and if truth be known i was really the boss of him
hurry up lee just a couple of minutes
hes just been sick in the toilet and he’s trying to clean it

whats up dude what made you barf
a porn chick squirting milk out of her arse
hmm lets take scrivs down to canal street
more like you want to look for fresh meat
i think that alan kissing danikka took it a bit far
is that why you took those dobbers from that gay bar?
if you two had a fight then both of you would lose
so pretend that you’ve forgiven him and nick his posh shoes

for all of these antics i feel no remorse
one or two sachets of red and brown sauce
so when you’re next in manchester please spare us all a thought
cos we’re only as daft as how we’ve been taught
if i have any more to report…..
i promise next time i’ll keep it short.
 

( it was cold in that room, its a student house for god’s sake, in fact what are you even doing taking a photo of me in a young lady’s cardigan when i’m not wearing any other clothes?)
 
 
 
 

Here ya are, the rules to the most adictive driving game there is!
(thats driving as in while in a car, as opposed to Grand Theft Auto)

Its kind of meant to be for 6-14 year olds but luckily, our mental ages are 6-14…

Enough rambling, here goes:
The rules are that while you are driving around you have to spot cars,

Not just any cars (thats too easy) but certain types of car and if you spot one you get to punch the other person in the car!
(Don’t hit the driver too hard, we’ve nearly had car crashes cos of that…)

You get one punch for a Mini, one punch for a yellow car (or lorry, or bike, or whatever if you play our version of the game) and now the important bit – 30 punches for a yellow Mini!!!

We’ve also changed it so you can do a nipple twist instead of the 30 punches after we drove past a BMW Garage and racked up 120 punches.

We decided to keep the 30 punches option because a girl that was in the car once refused to let me do a nipple twist… oh well.

Anyway, give it a go and become addicted!