Wellsy's World

Archive for October, 2005

Apparently this weekend you can see a dust storm on Mars using a telescope in your back garden.

 
Thought you might be interetsed Sarah, since last weekend we saw your anus.
 
Hee hee, sorry.

Picture the scene. Across a crowded room you spot someone so gorgeous you can?t help but go over and introduce yourself. But you?re completely tongue-tied, searching for that first thing to say is harder than you?d possibly imagined.

We?ve scoured high and low to solve this problem, and can now reveal the lines that are winners and the lines that are sinners. From cool to cringeworthy, here are the best and worst chat-up lines in the world!

I didn´t realise but I´ve been doing this shite for over a year now. It was one on the 2nd August.
 
What a waste of time!

And now for something completely random…

Man says to wife ´I had a wet dream about you last night, I dreamt you got run over by a bus and I pissed myself laughing´. 

 
My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients, it´s a real shame ´cause he´s a really good vet. 
 
Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading ´For sale clitoris licking frog´ She goes in and the shopkeeper say´s ´Bonjour madame´. 
 
Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much, it scared the s**t out of me. So today I decided I´m never reading again. 

Little girl gets lost in Tesco´s, security guard asks her ´What´s your mum like?´ Little girl replies ´Big cocks and vodka´. 
 
A couple in a cafe in Llangollen asks ´Can you settle an argument for us and pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?´ The waitress leaned over and said …….. ´Burrr gurrr king´. 

 
Boss has to lay off either Ann or Jack. Ann walks into the office, boss say´s ´I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off…..´You better jack off, I´ve got a headache´. 
 
It´s important to keep fit as you get older, my granny started walking 5 kilometres a day when she was 60. Today she´s 97 and we don´t know where the hell she is! 
 
Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel…. They say it´s only for the Christmas period. 

 
A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her pussy.  Doc say´s ´that looks nasty´. She say´s ´Nasty?, it´s just the tip of the iceberg! 
 
Two newly weds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite, the receptionist asks ´do you have reservations?´ The bride answers ´Yes, I won´t take it up the arse´!

Don´t blame me. People send me this stuff

1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it?s up put it down.

2. Sometimes, he?s not thinking about you. Live with it.

3. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

4. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don?t expect us to like it.

5. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don?t work.

6. No, he doesn?t know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

7. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We?re bound to miss sometimes.

8. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

9. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

10. Don?t fake it. We?d rather be ineffective than deceived.

11. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

12. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

13. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

14. Anyone can buy condoms.

Cos I don´t… Anyway:
 
Two women were riding their rickety old bikes down the back streets of Rome one late afternoon. As it turns dusk, the increasing darkness starts making one of the women a little nervous. She leans over to the other and says, "You know, I´ve never come this way before." The other says, "It´s the cobblestones."

1, OPENING JARS – nnng, she´s struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn´t. Jars are men´s work.
 
2, CALLING SOMEONE ´SON´ – Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
 
3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE – Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

 
4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE – Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don´t need a sharpener, you think I can´t whittle.
 
5, GOING TO THE TIP – A manly act which combines driving, lifting and – as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish – noisy destruction.
 
6, DRINKING UP – Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let´s go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you´re hard.

 
7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD – in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

 
8, HAVING A SCAR – Ideally it´ll be a facial knife wound, but even an
iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
 
9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE – When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

 
10, NODDING AT COPPERS – A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We´ve not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone´s got to keep the little scrotes in line".
 
11, USING POWER TOOLS – slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
 
12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR – Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
 
13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE… and everyone cheers you. It doesn´t mean you´re popular, it just means your mates are ****ed. However, the rest of the pub doesn´t know that.

14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT – fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
 
15, CARVING THE ROAST – and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.
 
16, WINKING – turns women to putty. Doesn´t it?

 

17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS – ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item.Until then, we´ll make do with the aisles.
 
18, TAKING OUT ?200 FROM A CASHPOINT – okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
 
19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE – unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."
 
20, PARALLEL PARKING – bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

 
21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT – Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it´s over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
 
22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU – especially if you didn´t make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
 
23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH – "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

 
24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO – a visual code that says that´s right, i´m going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh*t.
 
25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C**T – and punching him on the shoulder. Just a man´s way of saying "you´re a good mate; I missed you while you were in hospital".

I love it!

We were round Sarah´s and here´s the quote from the morning:

• Rachael: "Considering it´s Saturday morning and we´re all friends we´ve been talking about taking it up the arse a lot"


• Sarah: "I like it"