Archive for January, 2006
January 31st, 2006 | 
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The best blonde joke ever!
Check it out. Just found this link on Ed´s site to the best blonde joke ever!
Some people shouldnt go on quiz shows
It?s hard to believe people like this exist. Some of them are determined not to be helped. They must have been born & raised in a deep mineshaft and only brought out for these shows!
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Ghandi?s first name?
Contestant: Goosey, Goosey?
THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway.
Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
Contestant: Bombay.
Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Contestant: Crocodiles.
Anne Robinson: Wh…?
Contestant (interrupting): Pass!
Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling entertainers or chocolate salesmen?
Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.
Anne Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and…?
Contestant: (long pause) Joe?
Anne Robinson: Who was a famous Indian leader, whose name begins with G, revered by millions, who was assassinated and received a state funeral?
Contestant: Geronimo!
NATIONAL LOTTERY JET SET
Eamonn Holmes: What?s the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?
Contestant: William Shakespeare.
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW, BBC BRISTOL
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn?t hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er… Mexico?
FAMILY FORTUNES
1) Something a blind man might use? – A Sword
2) A song with the word Moon in the title? – Blue Suede Moon
3) Name the capital of France? – F
4) Name a bird with a long Neck? – Naomi Campbell
5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? – A burglar
6) Where is the Taj Mahal? – Opposite the Dental Hospital
7) What is Hitler?s first name? – Heil
8) A famous Scotsman? – Jock
9) Some famous brothers? – Bonnie and Clyde.
10) A dangerous race? – The Arabs
11) Something that floats in a bath? – Water
12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? – A horse
13) Something you wear on a beach? – A deckchair
14) A famous Royal? – Mail
15) Something that flies that doesn?t have an engine? – A bicycle with wings
16) A famous bridge? – The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
17) Something a cat does? – Goes to the toilet
18) Something you do in the bathroom? – Decorate
19) A method of securing your home? – Put the kettle on
20) Something associated with pigs? – The Police
21) A sign of the Zodiac? – April
22) Something people might be allergic to? – Skiing
23) Something you do before you go to bed? – Sleep
24) Something you put on walls? – A roof
25) Something slippery? – A conman
26) A kind of ache? – A fillet of fish
27) A jacket potato topping? – Jam
28) A food that can be brown or white? – A potato
29) Something sold by gypsies? – Bananas
30) Something red? – My sweater
RADIO LINCS PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I?m sorry, I don?t know the names of any countries in Spain.
STEVE WRIGHT SHOW, RADIO 2
Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?
Contestant: India.
Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?
Contestant: Espresso.
Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it?s not Sydney.
Contestant: Sydney.
THIS MORNING
Judy Finnegan: The American TV show ?The Sopranos? is about opera. True or false?
Contestant: True?
Judy Finnegan: No, actually, it?s about the Mafia. But it is an American TV show,so I?ll give you that.
BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
BOB HOPE BIRTHDAY QUIZ, LBC
Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
Contestant: Four
BBC GMR, PHIL WOOD SHOW
Wood: What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er…
Wood: It?s got two syllables… Kor…
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run…
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I…
Contestant: Walked?
DARYL?S DRIVETIME, VIRGIN RADIO
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Daryl Denham (helpfully): It?s a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.
School exam answers
Just found some of my old exam papers…
Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.
English
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Technology
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head
The holidays are tiring
Phew, the holidays can be exhausting with all the parties around christmas and new year.
Sometimes you just need a nap
