Archive for April, 2006
All the bus drivers think I’m retarded
I´m convinced of it now cos some of them have started giving me strange looks like when you see a puppy on a wet kitchen floor and it can´t stand up on it´s own. There is a couple of reasons for this though.
When I get the bus in the morning it´s really early so when I ask for a ticket I´m still half asleep so mumble at them. And that´s when I´m not so nackered that I ask for a ticket to somewhere the bus doesn´t even go to. Plus there´s the mornings that I can´t walk cos I´m still a wee bit drunk.
Then there´s the way back. I already have my ticket so I don´t need to talk to the driver. Except that I´m polite so when I get off I say "cheers". Or I would do if I didn´t have my iPod on really loud. I can´t really hear myself so half the time I mumble some jibberish at them and the other times I just shout at them with a pleasant grim on my chops.
Oh well, at least they´re nice to me!
If women were football teams
Here´s one for you football fans out there:
- Birmingham – Pamela Anderson:
Used to look good in the cups but now a declining force. Plus millions of people watched them get a good seeing to. - Wigan – Davina McCall:
Poor attendances confirm they´ve been promoted above their ability. - Portsmouth – Girls Aloud:
Only one real class act among the hastily assembled line-up. You shouldn´t like them but admit it, you´ve sneaked the occasional admiring glance. - Spurs – Keira Knightley:
Undeniably easy on the eye with an attractive English spine. And proof that two little ones up front needn´t be an drawback. - Everton – Dannii Minogue:
The poor relation to the more glamorous sibling. Can anyone remember when it was they were supposed to be any good? - Fulham – Charlotte Church:
Proof that money can´t buy you class. But could look more attractive if the Welsh bloke was given the elbow. - Arsenal – Jordan:
Were more likeable when they weren´t packed out with expensive foreign implants. - Newcastle – Jodie Marsh:
Impressive front two but embarrassing at the back. Had surgery but need a lot more work to compete at a higher level. - Aston Villa – Dido:
Bland, boring and still trading off the one big hit they had years ago.
- Liverpool – Sophie Ellis-Bextor:
Individually all the components look great but stick them together and it just doesn´t work. - Chelsea – Rachel Stevens:
You´d rather just watch them than listen to all that painful whining. - Bolton – Clare Balding:
You wouldn´t. Not even if they were the last team on earth - Manchester United – Catherine Zeta Jones:
Used to look great until they were shafted by an old fat American
How to make an arse of yourself in public
I´ve started catching the bus to work from outside the Hart so I can get a seat before all the college scrotes get on. Still normally have to share a seat with someone though. This morning it was a quite attractive young lady.
So I did what any bloke would do to act cool. I got to the funny bit in my book and blew a massive snot bubble.
Such is life….