If women were football teams

Here´s one for you football fans out there:

• Birmingham – Pamela Anderson:
  Used to look good in the cups but now a declining force. Plus millions of people watched them get a good seeing to.
• Wigan – Davina McCall:
  Poor attendances confirm they´ve been promoted above their ability.
• Portsmouth – Girls Aloud:
  Only one real class act among the hastily assembled line-up. You shouldn´t like them but admit it, you´ve sneaked the occasional admiring glance.
• Spurs – Keira Knightley:
  Undeniably easy on the eye with an attractive English spine. And proof that two little ones up front needn´t be an drawback.
• Everton – Dannii Minogue:
  The poor relation to the more glamorous sibling. Can anyone remember when it was they were supposed to be any good?
• Fulham – Charlotte Church:
  Proof that money can´t buy you class. But could look more attractive if the Welsh bloke was given the elbow.
• Arsenal – Jordan:
  Were more likeable when they weren´t packed out with expensive foreign implants.
• Newcastle – Jodie Marsh:
  Impressive front two but embarrassing at the back. Had surgery but need a lot more work to compete at a higher level.
• Aston Villa – Dido:

  Bland, boring and still trading off the one big hit they had years ago.

• Liverpool – Sophie Ellis-Bextor:
  Individually all the components look great but stick them together and it just doesn´t work.
• Chelsea – Rachel Stevens:
  You´d rather just watch them than listen to all that painful whining.
• Bolton – Clare Balding:
  You wouldn´t. Not even if they were the last team on earth
• Manchester United – Catherine Zeta Jones:
  Used to look great until they were shafted by an old fat American