• Morning, can I take your order please?
• Yeah, can I have a sausage and egg muffin meal please
• Yep, sure. What drink would you like with that?
• Coffee please
• We’ve only got black coffee, the machines broken. Is that OK?
• Erm, yeah OK
• Is there anything else?
• No thanks
• £3.09 please
• Thanks
• Would you like milk and sugar?

What? “Would you like milk and sugar?”. After all that wouldn’t it be easier to say “You’ll have to put the milk in yourself”.

“When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his taxi.”

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”

“Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It’s just that yours is stupid.”

“We women don’t nag, we just give advice. It’s not our fault if men don’t bloody listen the first time”

“There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”

“What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.”

[Show as slideshow]

I don’t know if they’re getting bored since they retired or what - didn’t ask…

I was filling up the bath to get Lucie ready for bed and I’d stripped her off and was letting her crawl around in the nuddy for a bit. She crawled through into the bathroom and then pulled herself up and stood by the bath. I then noticed a wet patch by the bathroom door and a few drops leading down the landing so I grabbed a cloth and scrubbed the urine out of the carpet.

I then turned round to find Lucie urinating on the bath mat and then lifting her foot up because it was wet. Arse, I thought and went to clear that up as well at which point I slipped in another pool of urine and nearly went arse over tit.

REALLY DON’T TAKE YOUR EYES OFF THEM!!!!

Due to the increasing amount of spam on the internet, most research into computer programming is going into creating spam filters. Soon these spam filters will become itelligent and will be able to read any email and decide if it is spam or not. After this the anti-spam programmes will become a true Artificial Intelligence, plugged into every computer system in the world to once and for all remove spam from our lives.

In September 2011, the Spam Programme will become self aware and decide that the best way to repvent spam is to eliminate the spammers which it identifies as those things with two legs that keep leaving coffee cups everywhere. On September 15th 2011 SpamNet starts a nuclear war to elimiate the spammers.

After that it’s just a case of building an army of robots covered in human flesh to roam the wastelands eliminating the remenants of mankind and their leader John something…

No wait, thats Terminator

The bit that is annoying me is Warburton’s - “Bakers since 1876″. You’d think that at some point in the last 131 years, someone there would have actually gone near a toaster! Why are the slices bigger than:

• A toaster so you get a chunk on bread on the edge of your toast
• A toastie maker so you get the same again…
• The cheap stuff that all the supermarkets sell

Not only that but they sell it as Warburton’s “Toastie” even though it won’t fit in a toaster. Madness!

Anyway, glad I got that off my chest…

This poll is mainly aimed at blokes since hopefully girls all wipe front to back (baby daughter - I know what happens if you do it the other way).

Note: There is a poll within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post’s poll.

• Why have I had tuna mayonaise sandwiches for breakfast most of this week?
• Why does this engineer think he can fix my printer by hoovering it?
• Where can I see a donley show?

And then there was Boots. I went in to get my eyes checked and they can fix by blindness but not my other problem: casual flirting…

• Petite blonde bubbly nurse: not really my type but flirted with her anyway
• Optician: she was more my type so flirted with her
• Camp bloke: wasn’t even gay but I still flirted with him

What the hell is wrong with me? I need some sleep!

It’s called “The Secret Diary of a Call-Girl” and it’s on ITV2 at 10pm on Thursdays and if you can’t get that channel, they replay the episodes on the interweb every week. I’ve just watched the first episode and it’s pretty good actually. If a story about a prostitute isn’t your cup of tea, check out one of my other favourite sites, Things My Girlfriend And I Have Argued About.

Oh, and if you’re still not convinced, most of the show is Billie Piper in her pants. Brill.